| Forgiveness The words flow easily from our lips: “Excuse me.” “I beg your pardon.” “Please forgive me.” We use them as social lubricants, conversational fillers, throwaway sentence starters, and attention getting devices, invoking them with such unconscious facility that the words themselves have lost their meaning. When we excuse someone, we overlook an act that might have offended us or a promise not kept. When we pardon someone, we remove any punishment or consequences due for some unacceptable behavior. When we forgive, we remove blame and absolve from any guilt or penalty. But in the fast-flowing stream of daily interactions, those meanings get lost, overwhelmed by a flood of information and the constant tangle of task-oriented connections. We have many motivations for offering forgiveness. Sometimes the words have entirely different meanings; “excuse me” often serves as a polite “get out of my way,” and “I beg your pardon” usually means “I didn’t understand what you said.” All of us, on occasion, experience misunderstandings or disagreements, and we resolve our conflict with an apology and forgiveness — whether or not we actually use those words — which serve to set aside the unpleasantness and get on with functions of daily life. When someone says to us: “Forgive me,” how do we respond? Even if used in a meaningful context, asking forgiveness for an error or offense, our first inclination may lead us to dismiss the thought with a “No problem” or “Don’t worry about it.” Rarely would we respond, “I forgive you.” We may feel reluctant to admit that we may have actually experienced some offense or injury, or perhaps we do not believe that we have the power to forgive, or we feel embarrassment at exercising that kind of power. For whatever reason, we miss an important opportunity to heal our relationships and ourselves. What happens when we actually need those words in all of their richness of meaning? For many of us, that richness lies hidden; the common usage has formed a cognitive callus over the true message, covering up an important tool that we need for healing and growth. A friend may come to us, recognizing a rift in the relationship, knowing she has done wrong, wanting desperately to undo the damage, reverse the effects of misunderstanding, restore the bonds of friendship. In response, we say, “I forgive you.” and too often, the phrase has lost its power for this sort of context. We say it easily, but saying it does not make it so. We may not recognize the severity of the pain in both spirits, and we may not understand the power of genuine, heartfelt, purposeful forgiveness. We may say the words, but in truth, we hold on to the hurt, the fear, and the desire for retribution. Wounds that Endure Offense can take many forms. It may occur casually, by accident, or with malice aforethought. It may involve a misunderstanding of innocence, ignorance, or indifference. Often, what we see as an offense occurs in reaction to something that we have done. When my first three daughters were young, I learned the futility of unraveling their squabbles; every action had at least three perspectives, and nothing had a simple explanation. Sometimes people offend others intentionally, fully understanding the damage they inflict, but more often by far, they act or react out of ignorance, stupidity, indifference, or thoughtlessness, or perhaps even from a misguided form of love and caring. An offense — physical, emotional, or spiritual — has effects; it generates thoughts, feelings, and other psychic responses in addition to any physical wounds. Just as the body covers over physical wounds with scars, and isolates foreign objects and toxins in hard tissues, so the mind and spirit bury hurtful images, memories, and thoughts deep into our unconscious so that we can go on with daily life. We may recall details of a painful event, but like an iceberg, the most damaging portions may lie beneath the surface. Keeping them hidden requires an investment of energy — a spiritual containment center that consumes spiritual resources. Some of our experiences have such a traumatic effect that our brains cannot process them through the cerebral cortex as normal long-term memories. Instead of the usual pathways of retention, it suppresses details of the event and encodes key elements through the amygdala, the fear response center, as unconscious memories and emotions. Later, we respond to seemingly unrelated sensory cues, reacting in ways that we do not understand and cannot control. The Veterans Administration has recently addressed this issue for those with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, recommending “prolonged exposure therapy” to revisit and reprocess events until the person can understand and control his or her reactions. The damage affects our body as well as our brain. Massage therapists understand the very real and physical manifestations of this suffering, effects that can continue throughout a lifetime. When my son-in-law, a cancer survivor, received a massage some years after recovery, he experienced a few days reminiscent of his chemotherapy treatments; the massage released poisons stored deep in his muscles. Similarly, bodywork professionals who do “Rolfing,” myofascial release, and other deep tissue massage report that the process unlocks not only the stress and tension deep within the muscles, but also the emotional and psychic reactions associated with the original injury. To some extent, we store memories, thoughts, and feelings throughout our entire body. Too often, we invest so much of ourselves in the containment of suffering — physical, emotional, spiritual — that we begin to identify with it. I look at myself in the mirror, and I no longer see the boy loved by his mother, or the son who made his father proud, or the husband adored by his wife. Instead, I see the fool who believed a deceiver, the sucker who fell for a scam, the loser fired from his job, or the fat social reject with no friends. Perhaps I nurture anger at those who have offended me, or perhaps I develop an attitude of unworthiness and guilt, believing that I deserve whatever treatment I receive. We have spiritual strength and energy that could make us healthy and help us to thrive, but we spend it instead containing and nurturing our pain and suffering. Consider the opposites of forgiveness: When we do not forgive others, we instead commit ourselves to judgment, holding grudges, longing for an opportunity to retaliate, wishing for vindication. We usually have enough self control (or social skills) to avoid any overt action, but within ourselves, we seethe with ill will toward the person who wronged us. In the vast majority of cases, nothing ever comes of it; we simply waste our time and resources. What happens when we cannot forgive ourselves? I believe that this problem has far more subtle but far-reaching effects. Blaming ourselves often provides the simplest explanation for our dissatisfaction: if I have experienced five hurtful episodes, I may find it simpler to assume something wrong with me rather that five other people. We blame ourselves for childhood occurrences, things that happened in our presence, and thing that happened in our absence. We carry with us a huge burden of guilt, inadequacy, regret, and remorse, and the energy that it consumes causes us to behave in ways that add to the burden. I have often heard people attribute this to Western Christian philosophy and teachings about sin. In my study of World religions and philosophies, I have found few that suggest that people in general behave perfectly and deserve no criticism; every one of them could provide a basis for concluding that a man or woman should does not live up to his or her potential. But every one of them also teaches a path of growth and enlightenment. Describing a state of darkness leads to the discovery of the source of light. We cannot have a meaningful discussion about sin and guilt without mentioning the possibility of forgiveness. Forgiveness that Heals True forgiveness requires more than just a few words, a smile, and a handshake or hug; it involves the release of all of those energies: dismantling the containment centers, smashing the negative images, purging the residuals of guilt and unworthiness. We understand that bad behavior has its consequences, but when we have forgiven someone, we no longer look forward with relish to those consequences. We understand that we cannot trust some people, and that we must avoid some people, but we use that understanding as wisdom to guide us, not as a grudge to hold. We may not have turned our enemies into friends, but we no longer have an emotional investment in people who do not care for us. Forgiveness involves a transformation in our relationships. As we forgive, we recognize that the person who has wronged us has probably experienced all of the same kinds of things that we have, and has accumulated his own containment center of suffering, and his own marred self image. In our day to day living, we see other people with their masks on; perhaps the act that injured me derived from one of those masks. Forgiveness sees through the marred images, and acknowledges the Divine image in every person, overlooking the surface actions and honoring that image. The passage of time, and even of life, cannot accomplish what we need to heal. In fact, separation from the actual event sometimes gives it mythic significance; we remember facial expressions, we hear vocal undertones, and we imagine background events that make the pain even harder to bear and push the emotions deeper into the container. When the other person has passed away, the possibility of resolution seems gone forever, and another layer of despair covers the repository of suffering. We need to accomplish complete forgiveness, even for events long past, and even with those who have passed from this life. Deciding to forgive makes a first step; accomplishing complete forgiveness involves a lifelong habit of letting go, and a continuing commitment to not hold on to resentment and pain. We sometimes operate on the assumption that offenses never occur among friends and family, and we feel that we need not ask for or receive forgiveness from those closest to us. In fact, the literature of psychology and social work tells the opposite story; we feel most deeply the wounds inflicted by fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers, spouses and lovers. They should cherish us and provide a safe harbor, and yet, however noble their intentions, somewhere in the course of our lives, they hurt us. On the other hand, perhaps we should shrug off the offenses of casual acquaintances and complete strangers, who do not know us, and who have no rational basis to evaluate us. Why should we care what they think or say? On the other hand, we may see them as completely impartial observers, and therefore give some credibility to their words and actions. After all, my mother has an obligation to love me, but if someone who scarcely knows me considers me unworthy of respect, they may have some good reason. We use the opinions of strangers and casual acquaintances to reinforce our own insecurity and guilt. Why else would we feel hurt by the ridicule or rudeness of people that we barely know? Every person who has offended us in any way, and every act of offense, leaves a mark. Each therefore, requires healing in order to erase the mark and free the energy used to store the memories and injuries. With practice, we can learn to give and receive genuine forgiveness, not just as a special event, but as a daily way of life. We replace a vicious cycle of offense and retribution with a peaceful cycle of forgiveness and acceptance. — As we learn to understand and forgive others, we can learn to understand and forgive ourselves and to accept forgiveness from others. Letting go of the resentment allows us to let go of the guilt. — As we learn to understand and forgive ourselves, we can learn to understand and forgive others, and to accept forgiveness from them. Letting go of the guilt allows us to let go of the resentment. We can change the way we interact with others and with ourselves, so that we understand what hurts them and what hurts us, what affirms them and what affirms us, what heals them and what heals us. We can transform a cycle of wounds and suffering into a cycle of healing and growth. Speaking of Forgiveness Does the process of forgiveness occur completely within you? Should the other person not participate in person? Should you seek out and confront each of the individuals who come to mind? We need to consider a number of factors in this regard; your intuition will help you to decide whether to forgive on your own or face to face. I can certainly understand circumstances that should include a personal meeting with the other individual. If we have wronged another person in a way that suggests restitution, we should now have the courage to make that restitution and give that person an opportunity to forgive us. Even if no act can compensate for the original offense, if both parties have common ground — they know of and understand the facts of the matter in a similar way — a spoken apology and spoken forgiveness could have great value. Perhaps the other individual will refuse to forgive (or accept forgiveness). In that case, you have lost nothing by trying, and you, at least, can unload the baggage of resentment and guilt. In many cases, however, such confrontations do not provide a benefit for either party. Many of our deepest psychic injuries come from encounters where each participant has a very different understanding of what has occurred. Discussing this episode with the person, even with the intention of seeking or offering forgiveness, may reasonably result in further argument, renewed animosity, and additional acts of offense. If I have forgiven my friend for acting like an arrogant jerk, I may not improve our relationship by telling him so. If I have forgiven my mother, now in her 90’s, for having smothered my creativity as a child, I probably cannot tell her so without inflicting a wound that she will take to her grave. If a meeting will involve an exchange of excuses to justify our behavior, then no one derives a benefit, and the negative energies will return and may even intensify. In general, I offer this as a guiding question: What good do we expect to come from the conversation? Will it improve our behavior now and in the future? Will it enhance our understanding of ourselves and each other so that we can avoid future disagreements? Do we have a purpose and reasonable expectation that it will build up the spirit of the other person so that her health and wellness improves? If you listen to your intuition and you can reasonably envision positive energy for both parties, then by all means, discuss the relationship and share the healing. An Exercise in Forgiveness This exercise requires an investment of time and energy. A simple statement — “I forgive everyone who has ever offended me.” — may have some merit, but it does not accomplish complete and genuine forgiveness. For this exercise, you should have a clear and strong purpose to forgive a specific person for a specific offense. You may or may not have this person in mind as you begin the exercise; your inner self will provide direction when you have the intention to follow. Go to your sacred space — a location that you have set aside for relaxation and meditation — and make yourself comfortable there. If you do not have a designated space, go to a place where you can relax uninterrupted for at least 30 minutes. I will use the word “sit” in the following instructions, although I recognize that many people have standing or meditating positions that they use quite comfortably. Make yourself comfortable enough so that your posture does not distract you, but not so comfortable that you fall asleep. Use very subdued lighting, along with whatever aids you need — candles, incense, icons — to enhance your personal spirituality. (If you have not done so already, read the instructions for meditation in the chapter on Intuition. I have abbreviated the instructions that follow to avoid excessive repetition.) Imagine yourself in your own place of perfect peace. Sit for a few moments to clear your thoughts. Take three very deep cleansing breaths, breathing in slowly through the nose, then exhaling slowly through the mouth. Imagine each breath filling your entire body and gathering distractions as litter on the floor, then sending those distractions out as you exhale. If you have some concern on your mind, place it in a file box on a shelf in your mind; you can come back to it later, but for now, it will not distract you. Sit with your eyes closed. Use your personal familiar prayers or mantras to clear any busy thoughts from your mind, centering on your intentions to perform an act of forgiveness. State clearly your purpose to forgive completely, to unbind relationships of guilt and resentment, suffering and retribution, animosity and fear, and to redirect all of that energy to your own growth and healing. Concentrating on that intention, take three very deep breaths, gathering your energy for this task as you inhale, discarding any distractions as you exhale. Wait patiently until a specific person comes to the forefront of your consciousness; when the person appears, visualize her/him as lucidly as possible, sitting or standing comfortably immediately in front of you. You may face a person that you know well from your daily life, or someone that you have not seen for decades. If the person has been away for a long time or has left this life, visualize him or her there with you according to your best memories. Take enough time to make a strong connection, concentrating your focus and intention on the person and event that has come to your mind. You may already have someone in mind when you begin the exercise, and that person may remain your focus. I have found that when I allow my intuition sufficient freedom, it takes me in surprising directions. You do not want your mind to wander randomly, but you should not fear messages from deep inside your consciousness. Most of us spend so little time listening to still small voices that we barely recognize them when they speak. You may see a person who has wronged you in some way. Tell this person clearly and specifically how he/she has hurt you, describing your own deepest feelings. Take the time to rehearse the events in your memory one last time, understanding, as best you can, the motives, the damage caused, the stress, and the bitterness that ensued. Then forgive that person, and say that you have forgiven him/her. Breathe in deeply through the nose, gathering together all of your feelings of resentment, your desire for revenge, your suffering and pain, your sorrowful memories, and your regrets; imagine collecting them in a net of energy. Pause for a moment, then exhale slowly through the mouth. As you exhale, open the net of energy that holds together all of the things you have gathered together, and blow those things out of the net. Bow slightly to the person you have forgiven, honoring her/him as an icon of God, and watch as she/he turns and walks away, dissolving from your vision. Breathe deeply, bringing in the energies you have used in that relationship and storing them for your own use. Exhale, releasing the last vestiges of your burdens of that relationship. You may need a few breaths; take as much time as you need. You may see a person you have wronged. Speak to this person honestly and specifically about what you have done, your real motives, and your feelings about your own actions. Express your regret for these events, and take full responsibility for what you have done. Ask that person for his/her forgiveness, and commit to perform a specific act of generosity or kindness as a token of your apology. You recognize that this act will not compensate for what you have done, nor will it erase the memory nor will it repair any damage; it can only provide a symbol of your regret and your sadness. Then visualize the person agreeing, and accept forgiveness from him/her. Breathe in through the nose, gather together all of your feelings of guilt, your fear of retribution, your sorrowful memories, and your regrets; imagine collecting them in a net of energy. Pause for a moment, then exhale slowly through the mouth. As you exhale, open the net of energy that holds together all of the things you have gathered together, and blow those things out of the net. Bow slightly to the person who has forgiven you, thanking her/him for forgiving you, and honoring the Divine image in all of us. Watch her/him turn and walk away, free of burdens, dissolving from your vision. Breathe deeply, bringing in the energies you have used in that relationship and storing them for your own use. Exhale, releasing the last vestiges of your burdens of that relationship. You may need a few breaths; take as much time as you need. The person that enters your thoughts may surprise you; sometimes your most obvious enemy may appear, but more often, you will encounter a person and an event that you have not had in your thoughts for many years. You may encounter yourself at a younger age! We blame ourselves for things that we have done or failed to do, and we hold those grudges and resentment throughout our lives. We need to forgive ourselves and accept our own forgiveness in order to restore our own wholeness. We have a way of burying issues — purging them from our conscious thoughts —when we do not know how to deal with them. Over the years, we accumulate an enormous store of deeply buried experiences, just as our physical tissues accumulate toxins. The preparation process, when done carefully and with pure intentions, will invite these deeply hidden feelings to come forward. The exercise may take as little as thirty minutes, or it may consume more than an hour. Stay with it until you feel complete closure. Practicing Forgiveness You may find this process — completely forgiving one person for one action — difficult at first, and you might expect it to drain you, leaving you exhausted. I have usually found the opposite; the released energy invigorates the spirit, and provides new resources for growth. Imagine cleaning out a room full of useless junk, and finishing the project with a bright, clean room ready to use for something completely enjoyable. Whatever effort you have expended in the process represents a small investment compared to the rich rewards. You can integrate this process with your daily practice of prayer or meditation, making small progress every day toward a natural and complete spirit of forgiveness. Over time, as forgiveness becomes a familiar routine, you will find yourself refraining from taking offense or accepting any feelings that will require later processing. You will fall into a pattern of automatic forgiveness, and you will avoid actions that will offend or hurt others. In addition to your regular practice, consider setting aside significant time now and then in your sacred space to celebrate a vigil of forgiveness that cuts into the backlog you have accumulated throughout your lifetime. In the Wake of Forgiveness How will your relationship change after you have completely forgiven someone? The maxim says that we “forgive and forget,” but we all know that this does not and should not happen. We learn from experience as we go through life, and the fact that we have forgiven someone for her behavior does not mean that we have learned nothing from the incident. We may forgive someone, and still know that we cannot trust this person. We can understand that behavior flows from a multitude of experiences, and that an individual’s acts toward us did not flow from malice or evil intention, but at the same time, we can learn when to keep our distance and how to avoid future injuries. For example, I may forgive a banker who has embezzled my money, and we may even become good friends, but I might think carefully before making any more deposits. I may accept forgiveness from someone whose confidence I have betrayed, but I need to understand and accept it if they do not share confidences in the future. The scars of an injury do not disappear, but undergo a transformation. Our actions after genuine forgiveness should exhibit confidence, acceptance, peace, and completeness, with no continuing investment of energy. The relationship we have with the other party should support that, not provoke further offense. Sometimes, we have no possibility of continuing relationship. Sometimes, the other party will not participate fairly in a healthy relationship. Much of the benefit of forgiveness lies in learning to accept the consequences of our actions and move forward in peace. As we learn to give and receive forgiveness, we also learn to avoid the circumstances that will require it. We consider in advance the impact of our words and actions, we develop an empathetic understanding of other people, and we listen to our intuition throughout the day. In the words of the Buddha, we “guard awareness like the greatest treasure.” While we will not avoid every offense, we will avoid some, and forgiveness comes most easily when we ask for it quickly instead of letting the wound fester. That empathetic understanding allows us to shrug off words and actions that may have offended us once, and to grant forgiveness easily.
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(c) 2007 Timothy C. Jenks, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved
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